A few funnies

[killa]

A lady walks into a Jaguar dealership and browses around.

Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greets her,"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're going to positively shit yourself when you hear the price."

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said:

"Never mind. I found one."

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A guy walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive her around in the Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy all her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. Oh, and the starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The welfare recipient says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

Social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

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A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zip was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zip was undone. He zipped it up and, remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open, did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

The secretary smiled for a moment and said, "No, Boss, I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with two flat tires."